by Jeff Newman

ACCIDENTAL: A wrong note played by an arrogant and often confused guitar player who cannot stand to be fallible.

APPLAUSE: The noise made by an audience (often at the wrong time) to express a desire to end the performance and go home.

AUDIENCE: Audiences can be divided into two categories: Those who sleep with their mouths open, and those who sleep with their mouths closed.

ENCORE: A nasty method by which performers get back at the audience for its feigned appreciation in the form of applause. Audiences would be well advised not to applaud at all, so that everyone can get home that much sooner.

FLUTE: A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range of up to five hundred yards and deadly accurate in close quarters.

FRENCH HORN: The French Horn is actually German, and is not to be confused with the English horn, which is French.

GRACE NOTE: Every once in a while, the solo instrumentalist will attempt an interval, jumping from one note to another. In most instances, this is mere guesswork..

MUSIC STAND: An intricate device for propping up music, except at crucial times – such as during a performance. It comes in two sizes – too high or too low.

MUSICIANS UNION: A powerful branch of the Mafia that controls the exorbitant amounts of money paid to musicians, and also the number of coffee-breaks permitted per hour.

A BAND: The result of musicians having discovered that there is safety in numbers.

PERFORMANCE: The main reason for getting together of any number of musicians, usually to perform a piece of music (ideally, all at the same time.).

PRIMA DONNA: The word originates from the most important female role in an opera. Later connotations are towards female country music singers. Derived from an Italian phrase that may be roughly translated as “pain in the neck”, although some have a lower opinion.

PRODIGY: A person who shows tremendous musical talent at a very early age. Those wishing to be considered prodigy material would be well advised to die young, before it becomes apparent that they aren’t going to get any better.

REST: A short period of relative silence in an individual part, useful for turning pages, breathing, coughing, and so forth.

RHYTHM: A faculty in great demand and, unfortunately, very short supply among those involved in music.

TUNER: The only device in which a steel guitar player can actually prove that it is the guitar player who is out of tune, and not himself, who is actually out of tune as well, if he has used an adjusted and compensated tuning chart. This is an extremely useful tool that eliminates all unnecessaly verbiage and insures that no-one else in the band will ever talk to you again.

MUSICAL SNOB: A person who pretends to know more about music than we pretend to.

WRONG NOTES: It must be understood that this is a relative term, and applies only to those examples performed by someone else.

BANJO HELL: Fifty banjo players gathered into one room, and not one thumbpick..

STEEL GUITAR HELL: Fifty banjo players.